live blogging The Real Oscars

-damn you abc. this isn't the real oscars, it's the "countdown". balls.
-timberlake is rocking a bit of a Tom Cruise heel.
-paltrow has stegosaurus (plural) dangling from her earlobes
-inqiruing minds need to know: is christian bale a firecrotch? hmmm. something to ponder over the next 14 minutes of countdown
-who is hathaway's date? gosling? apparently on rewind it is not, it's fugling gosling.
-double-breasted suit, jackman? interesting call. not completely sold.
-who is this guy? (at the 4:00 countdown mark) he looks like balding ian ziering.
-why does tom hanks have age spots? run, forrest, run.


THE REAL OSCARS
-good promo, bad dress hathaway
-who is paltrow's date? that isn't chris murphy
-oh wow. what to say about kirk douglas without assuring a spot in hell? hmm. was it just an old man schtick? our camp kind of preferred if he just shut the hell up and gave the goddamn award.
-Melissa Leo - F bomb alert! we think it was scripted. well, looks like those full page variety ads worked
-kick douglas and melissa leo - cane for side boob feel.
-"young and hips oscars" - good jab, hathaway.
-awww, the tag team that just won animated short film look like twins (ie. short and tall)
-the verdict's in: franco is not a pretty woman.
-sorry foreign director, satin is not your friend.
-did christian bale just tell everyone to go to www.dickhead.com?
-costume lady, actually just read from her crib sheet (with lace gloves) and won the worst speech of the night (so far)
-kevin spacey is free styling - is on E? contact high from franco? side effects of rogaine?
-randy newman's performance: turn up the good and turn down the suck. Does he have a cold or does he just sound like that?
-yay napoleon dynamite - god of love winner! thanking his mom/craft services and cute shout out to his composer/girlfriend, aww!
-booooooring performances - and why did they give paltrow a wii microphone?
-hot tip for original song winnner next year - sing your speech, liven this shit up.
-final verdict: worst oscars, best meatballs. meh, it's a bit of a wash.