Saturday, March 5, 2011

live blogging gossip girl - back to back!

-being fired slash quitting - blair is so sage (or content, or joined a cult...)

-why is chuck a member of the Brian Setzer orchestra now?

-why is nate wearing one of Rufus' cast-off sweaters? V-neck with no tee underneath? That's so Dan Humphrey.

-Don't try to pull the wool over Dorota's eyes, she was totes a member of the KGB

-Serena is offended that Ben didn't tell his mom that the person who caused him to be gang banged every day for years is dating him now? Get over yourself Serena.

-Rufus or Dan, who's jeans are skinnier? Answer: Ruf. And he's pulling the douchy roll up.

-Oh gag me. They are trying to set up a Blair-Dan romance. WHY WRITERS? WHY CAN'T THEY JUST BE FRIENDS??!

-Dear Ben's mom: I am lactose intolerant too, and I carry Lactaid pills. You are lame. I am actually lame. I have lactose intolerance and I'm trying to give tips to a fictional character.

-p.s. ben's mom - you look like a poor man's sheryl crow. were your lactose pills in the purse you left upstairs?

-pro-blanter but who knows...

-is chuck trying out for colour me badd in that burnt sienna overcoat?

-ben allegedly stole the affidavit out of serena's armoire?!

Friday, March 4, 2011

live blogging blake lively

-writers, c'mon: (1) serena playing scrabble, (2) serena knowing what detente means,...

-rufus, actually just a nurse: stay strong.

-blair's hair does look flat - good job hair people, aside from dorota.

-chuck is deep-talking too much, its getting to the point where i need subtitles.

-ew, serena is such a slut. she just is.

-eric as a drug mule? more like a pair of smelly old mules. sorry. that's bad.

-I don't understand all the business talk.

-Chuck is looking a little wrinkly - maybe he should take a page out of the Rufus kept-man botox book

-Raina and Nate may be a good match after all - she's a real dumb-dumb - it's Tai Chi moron! i love that missing a meeting is A-OK for skating for the first time

-blair and dan banter = blanter, which is the only good thing going for the show right now. step up your game, useless distracting bass industries side plot.

-eeeeew! why is vanessa back? why is dan mad at vanessa? confused. ahhh, yes i forgot that vanessa was an accomplice in drugging serena. bye vanessa, you are an outsider and annoying.

-dear eric - you are awful and we hate you. too bad eric is not the height of an 18 year old.

-am i as dumb as dumb-dumb or am i totally not following this whole tulip drug mule shit?

-rufus is stepping up his game - will he be receving another alpaca sweater for his efforts?

-oooh, snap - lily has uncovered the drug mule plot that i haven't/can't be bothered to figure out.

-huh? how can vanessa hear what ben/damien said - is her hair a conductor of sound or something?

-i do love the blanter - gourmet pizza, indeed.


Sunday, February 27, 2011

live blogging The Real Oscars

-damn you abc. this isn't the real oscars, it's the "countdown". balls.
-timberlake is rocking a bit of a Tom Cruise heel.
-paltrow has stegosaurus (plural) dangling from her earlobes
-inqiruing minds need to know: is christian bale a firecrotch? hmmm. something to ponder over the next 14 minutes of countdown
-who is hathaway's date? gosling? apparently on rewind it is not, it's fugling gosling.
-double-breasted suit, jackman? interesting call. not completely sold.
-who is this guy? (at the 4:00 countdown mark) he looks like balding ian ziering.
-why does tom hanks have age spots? run, forrest, run.

-good promo, bad dress hathaway
-who is paltrow's date? that isn't chris murphy
-oh wow. what to say about kirk douglas without assuring a spot in hell? hmm. was it just an old man schtick? our camp kind of preferred if he just shut the hell up and gave the goddamn award.
-Melissa Leo - F bomb alert! we think it was scripted. well, looks like those full page variety ads worked
-kick douglas and melissa leo - cane for side boob feel.
-"young and hips oscars" - good jab, hathaway.
-awww, the tag team that just won animated short film look like twins (ie. short and tall)
-the verdict's in: franco is not a pretty woman.
-sorry foreign director, satin is not your friend.
-did christian bale just tell everyone to go to
-costume lady, actually just read from her crib sheet (with lace gloves) and won the worst speech of the night (so far)
-kevin spacey is free styling - is on E? contact high from franco? side effects of rogaine?
-randy newman's performance: turn up the good and turn down the suck. Does he have a cold or does he just sound like that?
-yay napoleon dynamite - god of love winner! thanking his mom/craft services and cute shout out to his composer/girlfriend, aww!
-booooooring performances - and why did they give paltrow a wii microphone?
-hot tip for original song winnner next year - sing your speech, liven this shit up.
-final verdict: worst oscars, best meatballs. meh, it's a bit of a wash.

live blogging oscar red carpet

-the bobble head bonanza has begun: giuliana and kelly osborne look like fucking aliens. eat something. a lot of things.

-our astute observation - party animals aka dirty dogs bring their mothers to the oscars ie. jeremy renner, justin timberlake, russell brand, colin farrell (who we haven't seen yet, but we're basing this on past practice)

-the E! network needs to step up their game. step #1: replace the "glamastrator" (which they used to circle scarjo's rack) with the Real Glamastrator, Tim Gunn.

General Commens:
-too much lace! (but does the carpet match the lace?)
-winter's bone jennifer lawrence is too casual - is that american apparel?
-spotted in the pack: crazy fan with elbow-length leather gloves, is she going to strangle someone?
-giant doiley pantsuit? false alarm, it's a slit but melissa leo looks a bad scene. final verdict: elvis jumpsuit with doileys over gold foil.
-who's horse-y: hilary swank or anne hathaway? swank by a horse's mane
-swank looks like a horse wearing a ostrich costume
-ScarJo is wearing a "plus one" dress - that is, a dress worn by a plus one date and not worthy of a caption and/or soundbite
-a new thoroughbreed has arrived: celine is in the house.
-apparently hugh jackman's wife/beard snapped up michael jackson's nose
-holy beard batman! (sorry) Christian Bale bears a striking resemblance to the Travelocity gnome sans chapeau
-dear josh brolin, don't complain about not getting paid for being an Oscar presenter. time to unionize, asswipes.
-nicole kidman is wearing a bedazzled table runner. or keith urban pants her kimono
-props/massive amounts of jealously and hatred to penelope cruz for looking like that after having a baby. however, her flames-emanating-from-her-crotch dress looks like an arts and crafts project.
-paltrow's wearing calvin klein? more like robot klein (they can't all be gems)
-in the divorce, did scarJo win attending the oscars and that's why we're deprived of seeing Ryan Reynolds gussied up? damn you and your sex hair, scar jo.
-valentino is apparently an oompa he's terribly orange.
-hathaway's make up is too old - she looks like a 45 year old tranny.
-marky mark! why did you not shave properly for the oscars? that's the hack shave job of a sixteen year old boy
-cate blanchett is wearing the back of a victorian chair (which we don't like)

Friday, February 25, 2011

Friday's Playlist at the Oscars

It's Oscar weekend! Total yay to rich actors getting all self-important and false-humble and another weekend of mad shout-outs to God (or god or gods and mom).

Today's playlist honours the songs of Oscar past:

So Madonna won in 1990... but we really know who won in our hearts:

In 1984 Stevie Wonder won with this ballad of epic lameness:

But really, you so wanted Ray Parker Jr. to win... seriously, BEST INTRO TO A SONG EVER... amIrightorwhat:

The Oscars have an ongoing tradition of songs that totally suck... case in point 1986 (see also; the entire 1990s aka "The Decade Disney Killed"):

Seriously? They chose Tom Cruise terrible-fest over "no shit, Sherlock"...?

In the end though, someone will win and we'll be all "zip-a-dee-doo-da" (1947 Academy Award winner):

Friday, February 18, 2011

Britney Spears' New Single or Terrifying Sony Ad?

Jeeeeez, did Brit not have enough money to pay for her video that she had to blatantly hock various products in it? I noticed her perfume, Make Up Forever and Sony, but I'm sure there were more. I get the artsy battle with herself, but what's up with all the weird futuristic from an 80s standpoint computer/technology stuff? I miss the old Britney.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentimes Day: Live Blogging Gossip Girl!!

Gossip Girl - Wishes For A Joyous Season

-yipes, blair - gold lamé, shouldered-padded blazer.
-why does everyone have giant foreheads this episode: raina, quackers, male serena (ben)...
-why does blair have a magnifying glass in her inbox?
-"two it girls talking" - it's just like us bloggers (but replace "it" with "nerds" and "talking" with "typing")
-did blair just pull a dj tanner? combo effect with gold lamé blazer = 80s-arama!
-what's rufus doing at this meeting, besides looking pretty in his best chunky sweater? (answer: waffle/frittata making)
-the captain's hair is growing back nicely...rogaine or lack of prison nuggies?
-thorpe is going to slice up Bass Industries because he went to the Edward Lewis School of Business (pre-life changing hooker with heart of gold)
-as if Chuck Bass would take business advice from The Captain and Tenille (aka manbangs)
-serena is the worst "best friend" ever - why the eff would she tell raina about blair's chuck feelings?
-Valentine's Day for One: i can't stop looked like rufus was kneeling in his best cable knit sweater with a tray of roses for lily. He is Kept Man of he Year. awww, poor ruf. i'll have champagne with you!
-is it weird how much time raina spends with her dad in an escort, arm in arm, manner?
-valentine's vendetta - it sounds like a made for tv movie starring tori spelling
-Captain Cockblock! Senior Archibald cock blocking his own son...harsh
-detective quackers is back and lurking/stalking/watching chuck get it on
-was everyone waiting at the door waiting to barge in chuck's fantasy suite (™ the bachelor, ™ chris harrison)
-P.I. Quack Quack is on the case...follow that blair!
-"in love" chuck is lame and boring
-blair used the word 'redact' - a shout-out!
-the captain is still a crook...rehabilitation, schabilitation.
-as if serena drinks beers? carb city? no thanks
-pulling a when harry met sally with the split screen movie watching - dear g girl writers, please don't make blair and dan fall in love

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

keep fit and have fun

i'm not too sure what was the nature of Hal and Joanne's 'professional' relationship over the years. But in this clip, Joanne seems to pull out all the stops to get Hal to look her way. It also looks like she has sweaty hand marks all over her elite workout thong. I also don't believe she's human. More android than anything else.

Their propaganda over the years reminding me to keep fit and have fun almost seemed contradictory, but I did try once and bought into the ab-roller. That was pure bliss. Having Joanne and Hal at home and able to play on demand. Too bad Hal got rid of his mustache as of late. It was beginning to grow on me ten years later.

Toronto to Brazil, let's talk about my stories

New feature: Brazilian telenovela recap. Fun for the whole family.

*catfight begins around 4:46. Look out for the cake!

Originally, I started watching the channel 4, 4pm Brazilian telenovela for Portuguese practice. But I kept watching for the drama (and Portuguese practice). O Chocolate com Pimienta! My first introduction to the Brazilian version of the soap opera genre, I started watching four years ago at some point in the middle. I couldn't understand anything they were emoting about (except the chocolate), but I could understand the repeated refrain of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Actually, I had no idea why they kept playing that over and over, in every episode, multiple times, but I loved that the show ended with the main character (a once poor, beautiful and saintly former farm girl --the widow of one of the wealthiest man in the town, and maligned by the other jealous rich people), her son (not her husband's child, the son of her true love, a man who kept abandoning her for mysterious reasons, probably because she was poor; during one of these continual break ups, the kindly wealthy man marries her so her child won't be illegitimate) and her closest friend (poor, who was also maybe in love with her but knew she couldn't return his feelings in the way he wanted, and so exorcised his feelings by painting a portrait of her) flying away in an air balloon. Yes, the three of them flew off to unknown parts just like the Wizard in The Wizard of Oz-- but not at all like Dorothy, her dog, and her companions. Also, amazing: one character whose evil mother (she kept trying to steal the chocolate factory from main character) made him dress up like a girl for unknown reasons. And then he fell in love. But she thought he was a girl. And they go swimming. In their clothes. For a few weeks, I wasn't even sure if he knew he was actually a boy.

Next time. The amazing Da Cor do Pecado.
A sneak peek:

Monday, February 7, 2011

live blogging gossip girl - back to back!

Q&A, "Stake Land" US Premiere

-wow, rufus. you didn't even tell quackers that ben was moving into the loft? dan and the man who may have statutorily raped his ex-girlfriend/present-stepsister. Rufus = Father of the Year.
-ahh, the clueless solution, Blair. will mr. hall/cyrus be who epperly's pimped out to?
-eric. you are so so so SO dumb.
-how much pool does nate play by himself?
-aha, nate is the whore! (for epperly)
-"there you are!" "i have to go now" - serena wins Sister of the Year
-nate, nice side eye. epperly - wtf. you make serena look like meryl streep.
-raina - plush hat? is it a Gund?
-if serena remembers everything, how come she doesn't remember when ben stalked and tried to kill her
-i love scheming blair! pimp that archibald out.
-only sociopaths sit on the same side of a table - it's either chuck bass or Gund head?
-even better, scheming blair and chuck! well played (when fake conversating)
-blair is on fire! (calling out how stupid serena is and the fact that she's only into the idea of ben)
-props for blair's superbowl ass slap!
-why is damien so orange? he's like an oompa loompa.
-what's up with serena's ugly dress?
-Gund head is a bit of an idiot. What kind of senior executive misses the big vote?
-i love you nate archibald! sound of music is the best movie ever.
-eric: i thought we were ff-f-riends. you are ff-f-ucking idiot. next stop: ostroff centre.
-florence looks like those sad french clowns in the silk onesies with the furry, fluffy buttons
-does serena have bejewelled and be-ribboned booties on?
-WHAAAAT? blair is now the W editor? she's the new franco.
-serena's making out with her male self.

Live Blogging Gossip Girl: One Week Late!

Ed Westwick and Chace Crawford on Gossip Girl Set in New York City

-keeping it 'dirty between the sheets' automatically signals a night after too many burritos. Am I alone on this?
-match made in heaven: ben looks like serena and mumbles like her. bringing her narcissism to a whole new level
-sprung freshly out of prison with quite the hipster haircut, ben
-quack! quack! what is dan doing at W?
-has eric gone all jenny humprey? next episode, raccoon eyes, fish nets and hooker heels.
-best acting out of blake lively: eew. a halfway house.
-did dan borrow one of rufus' sweaters?
-is dan going to bring a waffle next?
-did rufus just get a backbone?
-we should make this a drinking games! other drinking games: every time rufus makes waffles to deal with a crisis, every time serena wears booty shorts & 6 inch heels to brunch, ...
-does the captain's CV just say The Captain?
-how did ben get into the W party?
-shafted. sorry, mr. fuji - only one visible minority gets to talk per episode.
-#1 quit, #2 kill himself. what was the third thing, The Captain? drop a bar of soap?
-the captain can go live with ben in the halfway house
-sad quack quack. this is what betrayal feels like.
-is damian bisexual?
-quick! rufus get a woolen sweater and stuff eric full of waffles (not euphemism...or is it?) (maybe rufus is bisexual, with his stepson - this is getting very flowers in the attic)
-smackdown! ben, walking away and not reciprocating serena's partial boob-al attack. back to the halfway house (where the captain is potentially dropping a bar of soap)
-mr. fuji! two walk-ons but still no lines. harsh.
-so basically, eric is loser who doesn't have friends

Friday, February 4, 2011

Waste a Day

Go here, do this for HOURS!

Giant Inflatable Jukebox

If this song doesn't make you feel alive, you must be dead.

PSA Friday

There's some big football whatsitnow going on this weekend, so in the spirit of telling people how to have common sense... here are some PSAs:

Feel safer yet? I feel safe knowing that the VCR that recorded the above had auto-tracking... manual tracking sucks and could probably kill you.

Keep me the fuck away from Planet Danger! No wonder there are only robots living there. "Hi, welcome to my home. Oh, do be careful in the HALLWAY OF SAW BLADES!"

Whoa, how about that ending, eh kids? Drugs will not only leave you with a leg made footless, but your eyeballs will be bleached.

Hmmm, wonder why kids hate vegetables? Way to go and put beets on par with a strangers medicine!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Live Blogging Gossip Girl: We're Back!


-I would love to see Chuck Bass' help in his fall wardrobe
-Worst thing to here from your dad: "you in for a foursome?" ew. Nate's dad is sick. This episode is very incest heavy, what with Serena finding out what Dan feels about her during family brunch
-future bromance alert: nate's dad (the captain?) and rufus. bros before hos.
-visible minority alert! and she has lines!
-I like how Serena trying to help the jail guy for, like, a day is considered a "crusade"
-nine miles and no sweat, archibalds?
-halal cart joke - questionable.
-dan you're so dumb. SO dumb.
-playing with rufus' guitars? is that a euphemism?
-Serena: I feel bad about standing Dan up, but ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
-ugh, a James Franco reading? Dan's a douche
-Thorpe is the new Edward Lewis (Pretty Woman) - he buys companies cheap and dismantles them. Minus the Gere hair.
-dan humphrey - pulling the old switcheroo. too bad it wasn't a photocopied pic of his butt.
-Nate: "not good i'm guessing". so pretty but not the sharpest pencil in the box.
-agreed - tights ARE NOT PANTS.
-whaaaat? is this how rich people declare war - over champagne threats?
-did eleanor swipe kate middleton's engagement ring? someone get a handwriting expert in there.
-doormat theory - dan is a chip off the old waffle, aka rufus. they are both doormats.

I Have a Horse Outside

Mind... blown

Because knowing is half the battle.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

For your lazy ass

Everyone in shitty plastic fleece onezies!

Do stereotypical things! (Wake up, Dad!)

Throw loser parties! (High five, bros!)

Take a dump without undressing! (Huge dump hole in the rear!)

I push the button

Saturday, January 15, 2011


8 Things that Make Me Grumpy

(1) People that put bags on bus/subway seats when it's full

(2) Birds shitting in my open eye (true story)

(3) People that that don't cover their coughs and their cough touches my exposed hand (another true story)

(4) That Angelina from Jersey Shore is a celebrity

(5) That no one told me the consequences of eating too many dates (again, true story...)

(6) Justin Bieber's hair

(7) The cheese counter staff at Whole Foods who say "one sample per person ma'am"

(8) Sharding

British News!

Come On England

I love reading the UK Sun. Whenever idiots travel or spend time in England and then start saying "mobile", "flat" or "tube" and blabber on about how much nicer British English is, I like to scan the headlines of the UK Sun. Here's some choice cuts from today's paper:

"Rihanna’s glumbrella"

"Silvio 'hooker, 17'" (referring to 74-year-old Italian PM Berlusconi's billionth hooker scandal)

"Come live with the Ma'am-in-law" (Queen wants William and Kate to live with her

"Gobbie Robbie" (Robbie Williams is apparently still a newsmaker in some parts of the world)

Friday, January 14, 2011

A Cautionary Tale

Party Down, probably the best 20 episodes of funny you'll see.

It's Friday, so before you go partying hard with the pot, take Ron's cautionary tale to heart. A leg made footless by pot.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Feelin' like a bit part actor

You are absolutely going to hate yourself for enjoying these videos...

Friday's playlist features just one artist, Toronto-based Diamond Rings:

Also, why do I know all of these songs? Is it because I listen to CBC Radio 3 all day? Are they all in commercials?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

new year, new groban!

what is this hunk month?

first, the rudd-ster.

now, the groban-ator.

2011 - you're looking good!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011