Sunday, February 27, 2011

live blogging oscar red carpet

-the bobble head bonanza has begun: giuliana and kelly osborne look like fucking aliens. eat something. a lot of things.

-our astute observation - party animals aka dirty dogs bring their mothers to the oscars ie. jeremy renner, justin timberlake, russell brand, colin farrell (who we haven't seen yet, but we're basing this on past practice)

-the E! network needs to step up their game. step #1: replace the "glamastrator" (which they used to circle scarjo's rack) with the Real Glamastrator, Tim Gunn.

General Commens:
-too much lace! (but does the carpet match the lace?)
-winter's bone jennifer lawrence is too casual - is that american apparel?
-spotted in the pack: crazy fan with elbow-length leather gloves, is she going to strangle someone?
-giant doiley pantsuit? false alarm, it's a slit but melissa leo looks a bad scene. final verdict: elvis jumpsuit with doileys over gold foil.
-who's horse-y: hilary swank or anne hathaway? swank by a horse's mane
-swank looks like a horse wearing a ostrich costume
-ScarJo is wearing a "plus one" dress - that is, a dress worn by a plus one date and not worthy of a caption and/or soundbite
-a new thoroughbreed has arrived: celine is in the house.
-apparently hugh jackman's wife/beard snapped up michael jackson's nose
-holy beard batman! (sorry) Christian Bale bears a striking resemblance to the Travelocity gnome sans chapeau
-dear josh brolin, don't complain about not getting paid for being an Oscar presenter. time to unionize, asswipes.
-nicole kidman is wearing a bedazzled table runner. or keith urban pants her kimono
-props/massive amounts of jealously and hatred to penelope cruz for looking like that after having a baby. however, her flames-emanating-from-her-crotch dress looks like an arts and crafts project.
-paltrow's wearing calvin klein? more like robot klein (they can't all be gems)
-in the divorce, did scarJo win attending the oscars and that's why we're deprived of seeing Ryan Reynolds gussied up? damn you and your sex hair, scar jo.
-valentino is apparently an oompa he's terribly orange.
-hathaway's make up is too old - she looks like a 45 year old tranny.
-marky mark! why did you not shave properly for the oscars? that's the hack shave job of a sixteen year old boy
-cate blanchett is wearing the back of a victorian chair (which we don't like)

No comments:

Post a Comment