live blogging gossip girl - back to back!

-being fired slash quitting - blair is so sage (or content, or joined a cult...)

-why is chuck a member of the Brian Setzer orchestra now?

-why is nate wearing one of Rufus' cast-off sweaters? V-neck with no tee underneath? That's so Dan Humphrey.

-Don't try to pull the wool over Dorota's eyes, she was totes a member of the KGB

-Serena is offended that Ben didn't tell his mom that the person who caused him to be gang banged every day for years is dating him now? Get over yourself Serena.

-Rufus or Dan, who's jeans are skinnier? Answer: Ruf. And he's pulling the douchy roll up.

-Oh gag me. They are trying to set up a Blair-Dan romance. WHY WRITERS? WHY CAN'T THEY JUST BE FRIENDS??!

-Dear Ben's mom: I am lactose intolerant too, and I carry Lactaid pills. You are lame. I am actually lame. I have lactose intolerance and I'm trying to give tips to a fictional character.

-p.s. ben's mom - you look like a poor man's sheryl crow. were your lactose pills in the purse you left upstairs?

-pro-blanter but who knows...

-is chuck trying out for colour me badd in that burnt sienna overcoat?

-ben allegedly stole the affidavit out of serena's armoire?!

Happy Valentimes Day: Live Blogging Gossip Girl!!

-yipes, blair - gold lamé, shouldered-padded blazer.
-why does everyone have giant foreheads this episode: raina, quackers, male serena (ben)...
-why does blair have a magnifying glass in her inbox?
-"two it girls talking" - it's just like us bloggers (but replace "it" with "nerds" and "talking" with "typing")
-did blair just pull a dj tanner? combo effect with gold lamé blazer = 80s-arama!
-what's rufus doing at this meeting, besides looking pretty in his best chunky sweater? (answer: waffle/frittata making)
-the captain's hair is growing back nicely...rogaine or lack of prison nuggies?
-thorpe is going to slice up Bass Industries because he went to the Edward Lewis School of Business (pre-life changing hooker with heart of gold)
-as if Chuck Bass would take business advice from The Captain and Tenille (aka manbangs)
-serena is the worst "best friend" ever - why the eff would she tell raina about blair's chuck feelings?
-Valentine's Day for One: i can't stop laughing...it looked like rufus was kneeling in his best cable knit sweater with a tray of roses for lily. He is Kept Man of he Year. awww, poor ruf. i'll have champagne with you!
-is it weird how much time raina spends with her dad in an escort, arm in arm, manner?
-valentine's vendetta - it sounds like a made for tv movie starring tori spelling
-Captain Cockblock! Senior Archibald cock blocking his own son...harsh
-detective quackers is back and lurking/stalking/watching chuck get it on
-was everyone waiting at the door waiting to barge in chuck's fantasy suite (™ the bachelor, ™ chris harrison)
-P.I. Quack Quack is on the case...follow that blair!
-"in love" chuck is lame and boring
-blair used the word 'redact' - a shout-out!
-the captain is still a crook...rehabilitation, schabilitation.
-as if serena drinks beers? carb city? no thanks
-pulling a when harry met sally with the split screen movie watching - dear g girl writers, please don't make blair and dan fall in love

live blogging gossip girl - back to back!

-wow, rufus. you didn't even tell quackers that ben was moving into the loft? dan and the man who may have statutorily raped his ex-girlfriend/present-stepsister. Rufus = Father of the Year.
-ahh, the clueless solution, Blair. will mr. hall/cyrus be who epperly's pimped out to?
-eric. you are so so so SO dumb.
-how much pool does nate play by himself?
-aha, nate is the whore! (for epperly)
-"there you are!" "i have to go now" - serena wins Sister of the Year
-nate, nice side eye. epperly - wtf. you make serena look like meryl streep.
-raina - plush hat? is it a Gund?
-if serena remembers everything, how come she doesn't remember when ben stalked and tried to kill her
-i love scheming blair! pimp that archibald out.
-only sociopaths sit on the same side of a table - it's either chuck bass or Gund head?
-even better, scheming blair and chuck! well played (when fake conversating)
-blair is on fire! (calling out how stupid serena is and the fact that she's only into the idea of ben)
-props for blair's superbowl ass slap!
-why is damien so orange? he's like an oompa loompa.
-what's up with serena's ugly dress?
-Gund head is a bit of an idiot. What kind of senior executive misses the big vote?
-i love you nate archibald! sound of music is the best movie ever.
-eric: i thought we were ff-f-riends. you are ff-f-ucking idiot. next stop: ostroff centre.
-florence looks like those sad french clowns in the silk onesies with the furry, fluffy buttons
-does serena have bejewelled and be-ribboned booties on?
-WHAAAAT? blair is now the W editor? she's the new franco.
-serena's making out with her male self.

Live Blogging Gossip Girl: One Week Late!

-keeping it 'dirty between the sheets' automatically signals a night after too many burritos. Am I alone on this?
-match made in heaven: ben looks like serena and mumbles like her. bringing her narcissism to a whole new level
-sprung freshly out of prison with quite the hipster haircut, ben
-quack! quack! what is dan doing at W?
-has eric gone all jenny humprey? next episode, raccoon eyes, fish nets and hooker heels.
-best acting out of blake lively: eew. a halfway house.
-did dan borrow one of rufus' sweaters?
-is dan going to bring a waffle next?
-did rufus just get a backbone?
-we should make this a drinking games! other drinking games: every time rufus makes waffles to deal with a crisis, every time serena wears booty shorts & 6 inch heels to brunch, ...
-does the captain's CV just say The Captain?
-how did ben get into the W party?
-shafted. sorry, mr. fuji - only one visible minority gets to talk per episode.
-#1 quit, #2 kill himself. what was the third thing, The Captain? drop a bar of soap?
-the captain can go live with ben in the halfway house
-sad quack quack. this is what betrayal feels like.
-is damian bisexual?
-quick! rufus get a woolen sweater and stuff eric full of waffles (not euphemism...or is it?) (maybe rufus is bisexual, with his stepson - this is getting very flowers in the attic)
-smackdown! ben, walking away and not reciprocating serena's partial boob-al attack. back to the halfway house (where the captain is potentially dropping a bar of soap)
-mr. fuji! two walk-ons but still no lines. harsh.
-so basically, eric is loser who doesn't have friends

Live Blogging Gossip Girl

-Has Serena gotten skinnier?

-Cleavage shots on this show have shifted from Serena's cans to Dan's furry moobs.

-Poor Rufus, just sitting home all day, changing sweaters and worrying about everyone.

-Question: does anyone in the US lock their doors?

-I love how the producers used every stereotype in order to create a wild party - beer pong! body shots! drugs!

-The absinthe flashback was weeeeeeird. Damien was a nerd doing Serena's homework? Alcohol affects you instantaneously?

-"He was, like, the only guy to ever say no to me" - Serena. Same as my life. Except replace "guy" with "Starbucks employee" and replace "no" with "yes" and replace "me" with "my request for a free breakfast sandwich" (that's actually a lie, he said no too).

-Wait? How did Ben know Nate? And how did Juliet get past the strict Ostroff security team?

-Townies are, like, so gross. Ew, it's like, get out of your town, and go to some other town.

-Wow, Lily is like f-ing Godzilla in this episode, destroying everything in her path

-I do enjoy a good Blair and Dan banter

-Um, so what was Ben's original evil plan? To destroy Serena, but without hurting her? And how did Serena just waltz into a secure facility? And why is she dressed like a hoochie in prison? And why do I bother asking logical questions about this show? And why do I even watch this show, given that I am 30 years old? Oh wait. The answer to that last question is Rufus. Straight up.

Live Blogging Gossip Girl

- dorota - saucy talk back! blair cannot attack you with a baby strapped to your chest.

- snap to it rufus, those flowers aren't going to move themselves.

- directed by tate donovan...first andrew mccarthy, now tate donovan - why are mediocre 80s suddenly the go-to directors?

- sad manbangs on a stoop ... quack quack to the rescue! nice leather hoodie, quaackers.

- rufus is looking younger by the minute...being a kept man works for you, roof. however, time to get an iphone.

- Like Juliet, I also lounge around the privacy of my home in backless, skin-tight dresses

- "coveat"?

- Note to self: buy a front wrap camel coat

- Nate's mom = emaciated horse.

- Where's Grandfather in all this mess?

- "Vanessa" "bodega" - did Dan just make a racist comment? (Or am I are racist for thinking that's racist?)

- Jenny looks like Skinny Marie (if you don't know, it's a Pretty Woman reference)

- Detective Dan is turning into Psychiatrist Dan. With moobs.

- Rufus get on your goddamned 1993 cellphone and call Lily to let her know the truth about Serena!

- Smart idea Juliet - dress like a skank in a male prison.

- Rufus outdid himself for that feast! I need a kept man, but I don't think I have enough wool sweaters to tempt Ruf

- Best episode ever - getting rid of Jenny AND Vanessa? This IS Thanksgiving!

Live Blogging Gossip Girl

- Who is making concentric circles with coloured pencils about Serena, Dan and Nate? It's definitely a man's hands...but why who would consider them all "cute"? Ah. The gay boys. But, "sincere poetry" is used to describe Dan and Serena?? And "athletic lacrosse" is used to describe Nate and Serena??! Someone didn't pay attention in grade four.

-Retraction and apology Serena? Looks like you will have to recall every tabloid ever made (get it? because she's a floozy! ha ha!)

-Do you think Dorota hides behind the door every time Blair is in a room on the off chance she will yell for her?

-Checkmate Lily, finally steppin' up her game.

-Ew, Jenny is the "kind of surprise" I receive when diarrhea accidentally squeezes from my butt. Sorry.

-Has Chuck gotten more breathy than usual?

-Did I direct this episode with my video editing kit I got in 1992? Too many wipe shots (with sounds effects!)

-I really doubt Nate would have enough smarts to want to meet at the Frick

-Serena, you had sex with every man in France, and nearly every man on the show - is it really far-fetched for Lily to think there's another dirty secret?

-As if no one can tell Jenny and Juliette's nasty hair from Serena's.

-Poor cherub Eric.

-Wait, Serena has the dean on text message? Isn't there a registration/admin department at Columbia? Oh right. There is no logic and reason to Gossip Girl.

Live Blogging Gossip Girl

-Ladies knock; ergo, Serena is NOT a lady.

-Life is tough; get a helmet. Thanks for the great advice B. But there is no way that GG can make helmets skanky enough for S.

-Ew. What is Juliette wearing? I didn't think they had Limite in the US. She's trying to be Amanda Woodward circa 1993.

-is that a silk shirt, ruf? the ruf, the ruf, the ruf is on fire!

-"go for broke" - that plan never fails.

-let me guess what serena's packing: an assortment of dresses with holes cut out.

-QUACK! QUACK! dan (the duck) the p.i. is on the case

-hmmm, looks like nate might need to enlist the services of dan the p.i.

-passport stamped - new euphemism!

-question: did nate get a perm? or is his hair his way of emoting his sad self?

-QUACK! good and QUACK! salient points, daniel the duck. QUACK!

-eeew. why is arthur a total perv? what kind of creepy eye smirk, was that?

-buffet? buffin?

-does no one go to columbia? how can buffin/buffet and S. have a full-on convo in the halls?

-you are not molly ringwald, juliette do not pull the wrong side of the tracks bullshit. would nate archibald want to date me if he knew i did my own hair? someone thinks she's (all the way) with stephanie kaye (i'm dating myself with degrassi: the old generation references).

-blair is living The Life: macarons, bubble bath...pistachio macacrons!

-ben was a teacher. another piece of side-plot No One Cares About

-it's a dream: head to toe purple velour holding a pistachio macaron. chuck bass i love you.

-sidebar: colin is actually a boy genius...or rather a 34 year old princeton hottie with a major in evolutionary biology and ecology. hot science nerd!

-constantine maroulis! (in the background)

-he resigned? after knowing Serena for a few weeks? what chapter of the book deals with how to be an idiot?

-sad quack. dan's staring for a littttttle too long.

-black collar for realsies, chuck?

-how did vanessa get into the ballet? and when did she turn totally evil? the extensions must be emitting bad thoughts into her brain

-I love how the Dean of Columbia is sorting out GG drama

-SWTF! Wow the gang's pretty harsh on Juliet. Although the crack about her hair was pretty funny.

-Wait? Why are they breaking up? (my guess, her dress). Serena is suchhhhhh a ho. Calling Dan right away?

-Poor Duck! Always lurking in the background!

Live Blogging Gossip Girl

-why is B licking her own envelopes? Where the eff is dorota for these menial, potentially fatal (see: Constanza, George), tasks?

-Deadliest catch, S? That would be your crabs. Ew.

-why are Ruf's pants tighter than Dan's butthole?

-Aw, Eric's all grown up, Danny DeVito-style.

-as if S. knows what a peace treaty is...

-serena and nate are attorneys-at-hair

-Serena, you are so dumb. Why are you talking to obviously-fake-schemer Juliet?

-"Unless you mean Firth or Farrell, I'm not listening": excellent quote B

-dorota is so wise, like a polish yoda

(sidebar: why is taylor swift everywhere? there is no explanation for why CHFI insists on playing her songs all the goddamn time. i'm on team kanye.)

-Dear Random at the Party, thanks for the CEO of Pepsi tip.

-Blair is the voice of reason. She must have learned it from Dorota.

-Speaking of Dorota, she cleans up nice. Her speech, however, was a bit of a snoozer.

-best ever! rachel zoe covered in chocolate...calories are being absorbed through her skin. "I...die."

-whoa slit, serena. what is the point of sheathing yourself in lime green silk if it's going to be a crotch shot anyways.

-wow. rufus. lily's personal coat-check.

-that firey feeling Chuck is not hatred. It's syphilis.

-Um, ew. Why the grainy video? As if B would agree to sleezy hooker sex on her mom's piano

-FYI, here's what you get when you YouTube "Connie Chung piano":